Homeless in Arizona

Now I know why I am hyper

  I went to Elena Quintana's talk at HSGP on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) and now I know why I am hyper and take a very long time to get over stuff that happens to me.

She said that when you are constantly in an abusive environment when your are growing up that you tend to be on hyper side. Well not you, your brain gets wired and make you like that so you are always ready to fight or flee.

Same got to why I tend to remember bad events that happened to me for years when another person would forget them in a few weeks or days.

Again she said that when you are constantly in an abusive environment your brain gets wired make makes you remember bad events for a long, long time.

Again she said it is part of that fight or flight syndrome.

When I was a child I was beaten a lot with a belt and it was a terrifying experience. Well maybe for an adult it wouldn't be a terrifying experience, but as a child it was.

The last time I was beaten with a belt was in 7th grade.

I remember going to school and showing the other boys the welts on my back from the beating in the rest room.

The earliest I remember being beaten with a belt was in third grade or so.

That beating was because I didn't go to communion at church.

I was convinced that I had committed a mortal sin.

And of course when you are Catholic and you commit a mortal sin, you are not allowed to go to communion, unless you go to confession and clean your soul of the mortal sin.

I was afraid to go to confession, so I didn't go to communion.

As a result of that I got a beating with a belt.

Of course that resulted in things getting worse. To avoid more beatings I started to go to communion even though I had that mortal sin on my soul.

And of course my mind turned into mush because when I went to communion with that mortal sin on my soul I committed an even worse sin which was a sacrilege.

Around 5th grade I remember being beaten with a belt on the floor of our living room in front of the Christmas tree.

My dad was punishing me for the horrendous crime of not getting all A's and B's on my report card.

It told me he was going to beat me like a pirate, and made me lie down on the living room floor where he beat me with a belt in front of the Christmas tree.

Gee, I have such fond memories of Christmas.

Well I guess it's good that I am an atheist and no longer believe all that superstitious rubbish.

While the beatings were pretty terrifying the stuff that did the most damage to my mental health was being constantly yelled at and being told that I was a "worthless piece of sh*t that would never amount to anything".

From the time I was a very small child, until I finally left home when I was going to college being yelled at and told that I was a worthless idiot was almost a daily experience.

When you are a small child and you are told that you are "a worthless piece of sh*t" you believe it.

I certainly did.

That IS why I dress poorly.

Hey, why should I put on a suit and pretend to be somebody important, I know I am a worthless piece of sh*t.

Well I don't believe that any more, but the brainwashing is so deep that even though I know it's not true I still believe it.

That's why I don't go out with girls.

Since I was constantly told I was a worthless piece of sh*t I always assumed I wasn't good enough to go out with girls.

Of course now I know that is not true.

But since I never learned and communication skills as a child that will probably never happen.

So David Dorn, that means I am going to continue to remember you for a very long, long time for what you did to me.

It's been 12 years jerk, and to me it's like the event happened yesterday.

I can't see how you can possibly call yourself a Libertarian when you get your jollies ********** the lives of other people.

 
Homeless in Arizona

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